It's that time of the year again
It’s getting to be that time of year in banking. The time of year when downtrodden kids with nary a ray of sunlight for 12 consecutive months receive that portion of their compensation that incentivizes them to put up with being harassed, harangued, heckled and (for the sake of alliteration) horse-fucked just so the MD can get their damn pitch books on time.
It’s a universal truth that May and June are the slowest months in banking. Analysts begin to see the light at the end of tunnel and names like Ferragamo, Abboud, Pink, Zanella, Zegna and Terra, the really hot stripper at Scores, start to fill their heads. And, of course, there are those one or two Analysts who don’t give a german-engineered-damn about their 401(k) and will buy a Cayman (not a Cayman S, mind you, just a Cayman, because, hey, what’s the point when it’s underpowered anyway). Analysts start to dream big about how they will spend their hard-earned cash and the days slow to a crawl.
Here’s how it starts. In the beginning of May, the staffer lays out the timeline, which usually looks something like this:
May 5 – Provide the names of projects to which you were assigned
May 19 – Reviews are due from Senior Bankers and Associates
June 2 – Roundtable discussion
June 9 – Performance Managers give reviews to Analysts
June 30 – Bonuses paid
Analysts read this differently:
May 5 – Provide the list of projects on which you were staffed with the Associate and VP least likely to give you a bad review
May 19 –Pray that said Associate and VP are in a good mood today
June 2 – Fate decided
June 9 – Fate conferred
June 30 – Dinner at Nobu/Aqua/Koi, dessert at whichever strip club is the consensus that night
Each interminable day that passes brings each of us closer to a financial windfall. We say things like, “Fuck man, 29 more days and I’m out of this shit-hole,” or “Once I get that money in my account, I don’t give a shit anymore, this next year I’m outta here.” We reason that once we get our money, we’ve been made whole for the hair we’ve lost in the past year and there is no longer any incentive for us to stay. There are always some banks looking to hire seasoned meat at this point in the year, so if we don’t like the lay of the land after we get our bonus, we’ll just leave for greener pasture. There is no sense of, Well, I’ve worked my ass off for 3 months for a hourly rate that would make a school teacher laugh, so I might as well stick it out for the next 9 months to make it worthwhile.
That’s what we say. We talk big and dream big and look to the day we can stick it to the Firm for robbing us of girlfriends, lives, dreams, sunny days, day games and passions and replacing them with this incessant need to remind everyone not in banking that Hey, you, YOU are NOT in banking, because if you were, you wouldn’t look so fucking happy right now, you poor, ignorant douche-bag.
And then July passes quietly, August swings through with no more than a murmur and before we know it, Q3 ends and we think, well, I’ve worked my ass off for 3 months for a hourly rate that would make a school teacher laugh, so I might as well stick it out for the next 9 months to make it worthwhile.
It’s a universal truth that May and June are the slowest months in banking. Analysts begin to see the light at the end of tunnel and names like Ferragamo, Abboud, Pink, Zanella, Zegna and Terra, the really hot stripper at Scores, start to fill their heads. And, of course, there are those one or two Analysts who don’t give a german-engineered-damn about their 401(k) and will buy a Cayman (not a Cayman S, mind you, just a Cayman, because, hey, what’s the point when it’s underpowered anyway). Analysts start to dream big about how they will spend their hard-earned cash and the days slow to a crawl.
Here’s how it starts. In the beginning of May, the staffer lays out the timeline, which usually looks something like this:
May 5 – Provide the names of projects to which you were assigned
May 19 – Reviews are due from Senior Bankers and Associates
June 2 – Roundtable discussion
June 9 – Performance Managers give reviews to Analysts
June 30 – Bonuses paid
Analysts read this differently:
May 5 – Provide the list of projects on which you were staffed with the Associate and VP least likely to give you a bad review
May 19 –Pray that said Associate and VP are in a good mood today
June 2 – Fate decided
June 9 – Fate conferred
June 30 – Dinner at Nobu/Aqua/Koi, dessert at whichever strip club is the consensus that night
Each interminable day that passes brings each of us closer to a financial windfall. We say things like, “Fuck man, 29 more days and I’m out of this shit-hole,” or “Once I get that money in my account, I don’t give a shit anymore, this next year I’m outta here.” We reason that once we get our money, we’ve been made whole for the hair we’ve lost in the past year and there is no longer any incentive for us to stay. There are always some banks looking to hire seasoned meat at this point in the year, so if we don’t like the lay of the land after we get our bonus, we’ll just leave for greener pasture. There is no sense of, Well, I’ve worked my ass off for 3 months for a hourly rate that would make a school teacher laugh, so I might as well stick it out for the next 9 months to make it worthwhile.
That’s what we say. We talk big and dream big and look to the day we can stick it to the Firm for robbing us of girlfriends, lives, dreams, sunny days, day games and passions and replacing them with this incessant need to remind everyone not in banking that Hey, you, YOU are NOT in banking, because if you were, you wouldn’t look so fucking happy right now, you poor, ignorant douche-bag.
And then July passes quietly, August swings through with no more than a murmur and before we know it, Q3 ends and we think, well, I’ve worked my ass off for 3 months for a hourly rate that would make a school teacher laugh, so I might as well stick it out for the next 9 months to make it worthwhile.
